People joke about it these days. Like oh she’s such a crazy cat lady. But it’s no joke. No ma’am.
This is serious. The Society of Cat Women have always held up rigorous traditions and rules. You can’t just one day become a Cat Lady! You have to earn that title.
I myself have held the title for over a decade, and when we vet newcomers, nothing has changed. No no. We are not like these ridiculous institutions that have lost their way. You think getting into an Ivy League is the same now as it once was? Or the Bohemian Club? I mean they recently gave an honorary membership to a rapper who doesn’t even have a grammy. Can you believe that?
And do not get me started on the Free Masons. They just let anybody in who wears a knife pin under their necktie these days. Shameful. Yet they wander around thinking they’re all that and a bag of catnip. A couple of documentaries get made about you, you get included in a best selling novel, and all the sudden you forget your roots?
Not so with the Cat Women. We’ve been around longer than any of them, and we have never abandoned our honor!
Sure, the Free Masons like to pretend they’ve been around since the Library of Alexandria. But who built the Library of Alexandria, hm? Oh that’s right, Ptolemy Lagides, a secret priest of Bast, the cat goddess of Egypt. It was a sanctuary for the society his wife remained dedicated to, hidden within a temple of knowledge. But the Templars couldn’t let us have one thing, could they? Once they had a few roman captains on their roster they burnt it down. Bunch of overgrown jocks those ones. Then they had the audacity to go back into hiding and pretend they started up a century later just to pillage cities and plant seeds for that whole witch-hunt nonsense against us. Oh look a lady with a cat and a sense of self, must burn her at the stake! They shook our numbers then, but we’ve never been ones to stay down.
Because we go all the way back to the first societies, you see. Our seal still holds the LV for the Leeu Vrou, or Lion Ladies, of the first tribes in Africa, who learned hunting and teamwork from the packs of lionesses and instead of taming as men did with wolves, became wild with the lions! Now THAT is what I call evolution!
Of course you know the society spread, fighting for women and cats everywhere. If our membership were not sealed, you’d find pharaohs, viking chiefestes, a certain golden queen perhaps, czarinas, suffragists, congresswomen, First Ladies, astronauts, teachers, and everything in between. It’s quite humbling to remember who you stand next to when you take the pledge.
But even though we have members in every corner of the world, we do not just accept anyone into our ranks willy-nilly. No, it takes a special gal to become a Cat Lady. You have to first establish yourself as an independent female, cannot be leaning on anyone for the ability to take care of either yourself or your feline familiar. There must be a clear bond between you and your creature, as well as a willingness to give up all there is in the name of the society, be it your human companion, your luxuries, or your life.
We get a bad rap because of those ridiculous old ditzes who horde poor creatures. They’re unkempt, both them and their household, and that is certainly not who we are. You can be a homebody surely, many of us are due to the intense amount of work, but you must always preen as if there were an audience. This is of course something we learned from the cats themselves, who no one has ever seen satisfied with a mediocre appearance. It is best to be prepared for any situation- whether that is an unexpected visitor, or a mission’s call to action.
Oop… pretend I didn’t say that last part.
Anyway, then you have the fakes. To me, they are worse than the ANAK Society when it comes to being just over the top and full of themselves. A bunch of peacocks really. They go to these shows and flaunt their poor pets for their good looks or quirky talents. Does that sound even remotely what our ancestors intended? Those t-shirts with the odd sayings “it’s not drinking alone if the cat is home!” or “my scottish-fold is smarter than your honor student!” just make me sick. They need to be plucked like feathers for an indoor-toy, I say.
Now I know this all sounds very strict, and it is, but that’s the best way to keep the true goals of a society at the forefront. We do, however, allow honorary membership, or companionship, to those who may not quite fit the bill but have done us a great service. These are kind, brilliant, people who understand what the Society of Cat Women do for the world, and want to aid even if they cannot be among the ranks.
These are greats such as Ptolemy Lagides, who I mentioned earlier. Also some craftsmen and businesspeople we have brought into the fold, who worked tirelessly to build secluded meeting places and shelters for us, or donate large funds to our cause. And others whose contributions may seem small but are extremely meaningful, like one of my neighbors actually. He’s a famous artist, a billionaire with his paintings in castles, yet he chooses to live in seclusion for the peace and quiet. Also, he takes care of me when I get home torn apart from a mission as well as makes the best damn gluten free muffins this side of the equator.
There’s also a president or two that has worked with his First Lady for us. I know what you’re thinking- why haven’t you installed a Cat Lady as President yet? Dear, everything has a time and place. You cannot rush greatness. You also cannot rush a society where the mascot sleeps twenty hours a day! HA! You’ve got to have a laugh, even in serious business.
But we do have a timetable for all sorts of takeovers- I mean, accomplishments, that include putting more Cat Ladies in charge throughout the world. And it’s not even for nonsense reasons like the Free Masons who just want to keep their little secrets hidden and spend literally billions of dollars keeping their most famous members from talking too much. No, we want what we have always wanted, since the very beginning:
A healthier and cleaner earth!
Equality for all whether they be cat ladies, dog persons, or even bird people!
World peace! (based on a complete overtake by the Society to ensure that such peace is maintained, of course)
And a sunbeam to lie in when the work is done.
Ailurophile (noun): A lover of cats
So first of all if there are any readers that hold membership in the above societies I have mocked in today’s story, please know this is fiction and I totes respect you and please don’t egg my house or like curse my family line or anything, k? Thanks!
And yes, I do have a coaster that says “it’s not drinking alone if the cat is home!” so know that when I mock, I mock myself too 🙂
You may have noticed I have done several of these one-sided conversations (like Today I am Unworldly and Today I am Warden). I really like studying how one person’s perspective can shape an entire world when they are uninterrupted. How would different events look from that very biased side of things? What actions would be good or bad based on this one speaker’s experience? If we have no one to rely on except this one person, what context do we have to fill in ourselves based on the givens? Sometimes this makes me the strange feeling of sonder* which can be cool and creepy all at the same time, so I really like looking into this. I know my voices for these types of writings is a weak spot, but since I love it, you’ll probably see it a lot because I want to improve. If you have any tips/tricks for improving at this, or want to boost my ego when I start to improve with these voicings, hit up that Contact page!
Oh also! If the artist neighbor sounds familiar, feel free to jump over and read Today I am Komorebi 🙂